I hope that this finds you all staying well and that you are finding things to occupy your time with during this stay at home period. One of the things I have been doing is some self reflection. So much has happened over the past year and a half and I am looking back over it and seeing all of the ways that God showed up and how His faithfulness shone through even in the more difficult times.

It has been exactly one year since I had my hysterectomy. The recovery process from that took much longer than I had anticipated, but even on the hardest days when I couldn’t find much strength to push through, God was there. He showed up in the hands and feet and words of encouragement from friends. In the worship songs that played. In the sermons that were preached at church. In the words that I would read in the Bible. In the doctors that treated me and prayed with me through it all. And in the sleepless nights, I could sense His presence.

Almost exactly seven months after that surgery, I ended up having to go in for a second surgery in which my last ovary was removed. I had an enormous peace that day that I can only attribute to my God. I will admit, I had mixed feelings about the recovery of yet another surgery that soon, but let me tell you, GOD showed up! My recovery was smooth and quick. So much more than my previous one. So thankful. I know that was an answer to the many prayers prayed by many people that day. On a side note: I’d like to say a big thank you to all of those that walked with me through this past year’s journey and continue to walk with me.

Do I still struggle with depression and anxiety? Yes. Do I still have some healing to do? Yes. Do I have new challenges with balancing my hormones without my ovaries? Yes. Do I trust that God will never leave me or forsake me and that He goes before me and walks right beside me? YES!! Emphatically YES!! I know that no matter what, He is with me and because of His faithfulness in my past, I can trust Him no matter what. He is in control.

I encourage you, my friends, to spend some time reflecting during this quarantine period. We don’t necessarily have the busy-ness of our “normal” lives to distract us, so now is a good time to look back and see all of the places that God showed up for us. How He was right there during times of sadness and times of joy. How He provided for you and me, no matter what was going on. Remember His faithfulness. He loves you so much and loves showing up for you. Put your trust in Him during these times. Put your future in His hands. He has a beautiful plan for your life.

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10

Be still….such an easy directive, but in this day and age, it is a difficult concept. The Passion Translation says it like this, “Surrender your anxiety! Be silent and stop your striving and you will see that I am God. I am the God above all the nations, and I will be exalted throughout the whole earth.” Be silent. Stop. Your. Striving. Why is this such a difficult task for us to accomplish? Between running errands, work, household chores, running the kids to different places, trying to catch up on our favorite TV shows, losing hours just scrolling between Facebook and Instagram, appointments, meetings….the list just keeps going….so much to do, so little time.

God asks us to be still. To stop striving. And THEN we will see that He is God. With everything that is going on in the world today, it’s hard to see past the panic of the virus, and the quarantine, and the lock down, and the need for toilet paper, and the……. Hard to calm our minds. Hard to be still.

As I was on my morning walk yesterday, listening to worship music, and looking at the world around me as things began to come to life for the day, God was speaking to me. Through the words in the songs, through the different things that I was seeing around me. Speaking to me with a still, small voice. I started snapping some pics with my phone to help me remember the things that He’d been speaking to me. STOP. The stop sign is what brought Psalm 46:10 to mind. BE STILL.

This has been a challenging thing for me to learn. In the silence and the being still is when some of the hardest things come up. I see myself and all my “flaws” so clearly. I don’t like it a lot of times, don’t like to see the “ugly” that I have hidden inside of me. The things that get ignored and pushed down when I am in the normal busy-ness of life. The stuff that makes me cry and the things that I know that I need to repent to God for. The thoughts that I’ve let creep in little by little, but after so much time of ignoring them, they have taken over like an unwanted vine. I know that it is necessary to look closely. So that I can work through it and move ahead. Be still. Stop striving. I keep reminding myself this throughout the day. During this time of “social distancing” I have begun to embrace it. To stop and listen to what God is saying. Through His Word, through the world around us, and, yes, even through the silence.

I would like to encourage you today to BE STILL and know that He is God. Even in the stillness where we wrestle with our true selves. He is God. Even in the “ugly” that we have hidden away. He is God. And in that stillness, when you stop striving, you will hear Him say, “I love you & I forgive you. I am your Strength, I am your Fortress, I am your Provider, I am your Healer, I am your Father. I gave my son to die for you. I love you.” He is so faithful. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He is the great I AM.

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Psalm 46:10

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It has been a little while since I have written anything-mostly because I was unsure of what to write. I have had several ideas and thoughts, but have been having a hard time narrowing it down to one topic. This past month and a half has been a bit of a struggle for me….with hormone regulation, lack of sleep, fatigue, and the busyness of “life.”

And then today, in the quietness of being home alone, working on filing and shredding a forgotten pile of random paperwork, my thoughts turned to a recurring theme that has been woven throughout several conversations that I have had over the past month or so…..peace.

So many struggles. And with that, I’ve had many different opportunities to pray with friends. The main request? Peace. Peace in difficult situations. Peace in a decision. Peace of mind. Peace in a relationship. Peace in the midst of health issues. Peace.

Peace has many definitions….”in a state of tranquility,” “serene,” “harmonious relations,” “freedom from disturbance,” “to be silent,” and “inner contentment.” Everyone has a different way of describing peace, but I think, to me at least, the clearest view, and definition, that we can get on peace is from the Bible.

Jesus spoke these words: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27. He has given us His peace and it is nothing like what the world gives.

A couple of chapters later in the book of John we find another statement straight from Jesus: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33. He never promised that everything would be perfect when we trust in Him. In fact, He lets us know that we WILL have trouble in this world. But because He has overcome the world, we may have PEACE. Isn’t that a great promise??

Paul talked about God’s peace: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7. The activation of God’s peace-His peace that passes ALL understanding-is by presenting our requests to God WITH thanksgiving.

Friends, I don’t know where you’re at in your walk with God, or what life situations that you may be dealing with, but if you are in need of some peace in your life right now, can I encourage you to meditate on these verses? And dig into the Bible yourself, too. There are so many other verses where peace is talked about.

Do not be afraid. Lean into God. When you feel anxious or are having a hard time finding that peace and calm, “Pour out all your worries and stress upon him and leave them there, for he always tenderly cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7. God loves you. I pray that you can find peace in Him today!

I hope that this finds you all doing well and recuperating from the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. December is always such a hectic month and this one was no exception for us. My hubby and I had a nasty virus that knocked us both down for a week, there was his birthday in the midst of that, then came Christmas, and all that comes along with that, my birthday, and now here we are at the start of 2020! Whew! The first thing that Josh said to me this morning was, “Babe, we made it.” I have to agree that there was a part of me that let out a sigh of relief once I saw the clock change to midnight last night. We made it. I am so ready to leave last year behind. Not the lessons that were learned-they will be coming with me and I will continue building on them, but I am looking ahead to 2020 with much hope and anticipation for what God has in store for us for this year.

I know that it is customary to make some resolutions for the new year, but I always feel that when I do that, I tend to be hard on myself when I fail or make mistakes, and this leads to me eventually just giving up. The past few years, I’ve tried to write out goals for the new year, things I would like to accomplish, or work towards. I feel like doing it that way has helped me to focus on the important things and have goals to look ahead to.

I love how Philippians 3:12-15 talks about this in The Passion Translation. “I admit that I haven’t yet acquired the absolute fullness that I’m pursuing, but I run with passion into his abundance so that I may reach the purpose that Jesus Christ has called me to fulfill and wants me to discover.  I don’t depend on my own strength to accomplish this; however I do have one compelling focus: I forget all of the past as I fasten my heart to the future instead. I run straight for the divine invitation of reaching the heavenly goal and gaining the victory-prize through the anointing of Jesus.”

I know that I for sure have not acquired the absolute fullness that I’m pursuing-far from it! But I WANT to run with passion into into His abundance this new year to reach the purpose that Jesus has called me to fulfill and that He wants me to discover. I don’t want to depend on my own strength. I want to forget the past and fasten my heart to the future instead. Running straight for that heavenly goal to gain the victory prize through Jesus!! This is the way that I am heading into this new year….running for Jesus. Pressing on toward the goal. Keeping my eyes on the prize-HIS prize that He has for me.

Let me encourage you all in this. Seek after God. He IS faithful. Last year may have been a bad year, a frustrating year, a year of many ups and downs, full of pain or illnesses, maybe some failures and disappointments, but WE ALL MADE IT! We are all here to live another day. Let’s step into this year and believe this verse that says, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6. God WILL continue working in you, if you allow Him to. Don’t be afraid to open up your hearts. Let God in, even to the hidden places that you don’t want anyone else to see. He knows you inside and out and He loves you so much more than you will ever know or can imagine. Trust me. With all that I have gone through this past year, He has continued revealing Himself to me as I continue to seek Him and He pours out His love in me beyond what I can explain. Over and over again. I know He will do the same for you.

Happy New Year, friends! I am praying that this will be a year of great and abundant blessings in your lives, and that through it all, God will reveal Himself in a new and personal way to you. Thank you for going on this journey with me!

In the beginning of this year, I found myself spiraling into depression. Anxiety gripped me and I felt so lonely. I was in an extremely dark place. We had had so many changes that had been happening that I began to feel lost. I’ve struggled with times of depression throughout my life, but never to the point where I was this year. I kept crying out to God and would hear nothing. Feel nothing. Sundays were the worst day of the week for me. I would go to church, and once there, I would paste on my “happy, Christian mask,” all the while crying inside. Sometimes, I couldn’t even make it through the service without going to the bathroom and sobbing. I would think to myself, “How is it that I’m in a building full of Christians that I SHOULD be able to talk to about this and yet, here I am alone, crying, and not sure what to do?” I struggled with the stigma of depression in the church and the thoughts that come along with it like, “I must not be praying hard enough,” or “maybe my faith isn’t strong enough.” Thinking that I should have the joy of the Lord and by admitting how I’m feeling, I’m going against that.

One of those Sundays, I got home, went into the bathroom so that my kids wouldn’t hear me cry, and that was where I hit rock bottom. I didn’t want to do this anymore. Couldn’t live like this anymore. Wanted it all to end, but didn’t know what to do. Thoughts started coming into my mind about just being done and ending it all. So much loneliness. So much sadness. I knew something was wrong with me, but didn’t know how to fix it. I texted a friend and said, “Please pray!” Then I got my Bible and started to read out loud different scriptures that I had highlighted to help me combat these extra low feelings and thoughts that I was having. It was the only thing I knew to do at the time. I was scared.

That week, I had an appointment with my doctor and before I went to that appointment, I prayed, “God, if You hear me, and I believe that You do, I NEED you to have the doctor say something to help this be addressed today.” I knew I didn’t have the strength to bring it up to her on my own. Halfway through the appointment, God answered my prayer. I was telling her how I had been crying a lot and then she flat out asked me if I was depressed. I found the courage to say yes, and I felt a huge relief. I am so grateful that my doctor is a Christian, because she explained depression to me so clearly that day, both the physical aspect and spiritual aspect, and how they were so closely related. She also helped me to see past that church/Christian stigma. That what I was dealing with was a real thing and I knew that I no longer needed to try to go it alone.

I needed help. I started taking an antidepressant and began going to counseling. These two things, along with prayer, helped me get started on the path of healing. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I am no longer taking antidepressants and only go to counseling as needed, praise God, but it was not an easy road. I gained many valuable tools along the way to use when depression tries to creep in, though, and know that I am stronger and have the ability now to reach out for help.

If YOU are in a bad place and need help, please don’t be afraid to ask for it. Reach out to someone. Whether at your church, or to your doctor, your friends, your family. There ARE people that care. And you are not weak for asking for help. You are also not alone in this. One of the things that I learned through counseling and other opportunities this year is to not hide things. Let people know what’s going on. Be yourself. Be honest. Be willing to be open. I have found that by being open and honest with people, it opens up a door for them to feel comfortable enough to be honest with themselves and others, also. We all have struggles. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS.

By now you may be wondering why I titled this post “Thanksgiving.” Well, some verses in the Bible that I have looked to time and again this year are Philippians 4:6-7. It says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” WITH THANKSGIVING. Through this journey, I have learned one of the keys to battling depression and anxiety is thanksgiving. Gratefulness. Thankfulness. I started writing a “Thankful for” list in the back of my journal and over time, I have filled pages of things that I am thankful for. When we focus on being grateful, even in the small things, that shifts our mindset into a better place. We are no longer focusing inward, but looking up and all around us and our focus begins to move outward. The verses that follow those then say, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Shift your focus. Shift your thoughts. I encourage you today to start writing a list of things you’re thankful for. I bet that you will be surprised how many things there are that can go on that list! And once you start, it’s hard to stop.

I pray that you will feel the love of God surround you and that His peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

As we approach the Thanksgiving holiday this next week, everywhere I look online I see posts about being thankful. Daily posts of what people are thankful for or what you should be thankful for. So what ARE you thankful for this year? Family? Friends? Health? Most of the time, these are at the top of everyone’s “thankfulness lists”. When I saw a Facebook post the other day asking “what is the number one thing that you are thankful for this year?”, the first thought that popped into my head was, “I’m thankful that this year is almost over.” For realz, ya’ll.

Since I’m being fully honest, this past year has been THE most difficult year of my life. My husband and I have begun to compile a list of everything that has happened this year-GOOD and NOT SO GOOD-and it has brought to light the many ways that God has shown Himself faithful to us through it all. This year He’s walked with us through three surgeries, a kidney disease diagnosis, depression, financial ups and downs…we have also made so many friends that have become like family, we’re attending a great church where my husband is attending the school of ministry, our kids are thriving, we have awesome doctors….the list goes on, but the one thing that is apparent through it all is that GOD IS FAITHFUL. In the good and the bad. He doesn’t leave us or forsake us.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not wishing this year to go away when I say that I’m thankful that it’s almost over, or wishing that it never happened, but I am looking ahead to better days and I’m excited to see what God has in store for us. I am a VASTLY different person than I was one year ago. I have learned and grown so much in even just the past six months and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Even if it meant that I wouldn’t have to deal with the things that I’ve dealt with.

I read a quote today from A.W. Tozer. “God never uses anyone greatly until He tests them deeply.” This brought to mind the Bible verses in James 1 that say, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” That is where I want to be when I come face to face with Jesus. Persevering, mature and complete, not lacking anything. So, I will look at my trials and consider them PURE JOY! And look ahead with anticipation to how God may be able to use me to help others…. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 1 Corinthians 1:3-4.

So, as abnormal as it may sound, on this Thanksgiving holiday, as we go around the table saying what we are thankful for, one thing I’ll be saying that I’m thankful for are my trials. I am thankful for God’s faithfulness through the trials. And, I am also thankful that this year is almost over and that I can look back and see God’s hand bringing me through it all.

Let me know in the comments what you are thankful for…I look forward to hearing from you!

I said that I was going to be transparent and honest, so, here goes! Full disclosure…I have never liked my eyebrows. They are thick and dark and I have never been able to “tweeze” them or shape them how I want because of 2 things. Scars. One on each eyebrow. One long, jagged scar is basically the full length of my eyebrow, and I got it when I was 6 or 7 years old.

It happened when my sister and I were showing my brother how to do a chicken fight on the swing set and, yours truly, lost. Big time. My dad had to hide me from my mom so she wouldn’t see the gaping wound above my eye while she ran inside to get a cloth to try and stop the bleeding. I remember my dad picking me up, and walking towards the car. I asked him, “Where are we going?” “We have to get you to the hospital to get stitches.” My response? I wrapped my legs around the fence and started freaking out that I didn’t WANT to go to the hospital. And I didn’t WANT stitches!!! Thankfully, my dad was stronger than me and we were able to get to the hospital. Four hours and 21 stitches later, 14 internal and 7 external, (don’t ask me how I remember this, numbers just stick in my brain), and we were back home. The thing I remember the most about this incident was how upset I was that I had to stay home from school the next day, because my eye was swollen shut, and miss the class field trip to my teacher’s farm. She had a pond. A POND. First grade excitement, ya’ll!!

So, this scar on my eyebrow I have managed to keep hidden for most of my life. Carefully tweezing around it. Never liking how my eyebrows looked, though….and tonight, as I was doing a little eyebrow maintenance, I quickly realized that I had put the attachment onto the razor the wrong way and said goodbye to the majority of my eyebrow!!! Oh NO!! My mouth dropped open and I started crying. “No, no, no!!” What had I done?!? I think I stood there for several minutes just staring and frantically searching my brain for any idea that could help me rectify this situation. If time travel was possible, I would’ve done it. No questions asked.

I texted my husband and told him what had happened. He wanted a pic. Never. He texted back, “Blog material, baby!” Oh my gosh. No. Never. His reply? “Thought you were going to be transparent…” Ugh. I started thinking about that. Asked God. You want me to be THAT honest and transparent? And then He showed me….through my husband telling me, “Nobody has control over you in regards to your looks. Nobody can hurt you unless you let them.” Both very true. Truths that I have been learning this year. Working through past hurts and unforgiveness. Letting go of the past. Forgiving. For ME. For my spiritual, mental, and emotional health. Someone hurts me? Forgive. It HAS to become automatic. And I can only do it with God’s help. Then the second truth came from Him. Whispering to my heart. “Beloved, remember those wounds and scars that you have kept hidden all of these years? And the work that we’ve been doing to expose them to be able to walk through healing? And the beauty that we find once you get to that place of healing and realize that I was there through all of those times in your past where you were hurt and the scars began to form? This is nothing compared to that. This is an eyebrow that will grow back over the scar. The other ones are scars that you are now willing to share with others to show them that it is possible to forgive. And be forgiven. And be healed. ”

So, there it is folks. The crux of this whole journey. God’s love exposing the truth. His light shining into the hidden places in our hearts. Healing the wounds. Forgiveness. Ugliness and shame replaced by beauty that can only come from God. I walked to the mirror again and looked at that scar. This time, as I looked at it, it had more meaning and I began to see the beauty in it…not that I won’t be glad when it grows back in, but for now, for tonight, it was a visual lesson. Don’t keep hiding your wounds. Don’t try to conceal your scars from people. Be real. Be honest. Be open. With yourself and others. And most of all, forgive. Forgiveness is crucial to being able to move forward and seeing the beauty in the scars.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:32

I am, first and foremost, a child of God, then a wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend. I have wanted to start a blog for several years now and could never think of a name for it. Nothing that I ever came up with seemed to fit “me” and what I was looking to have my blog be about.

This year, while going through some pretty difficult times, as I was seeking the Lord, He very clearly gave me a name for the blog….The Journey of a Pearl. There is a two-fold meaning to the name and as soon as God put it on my heart, I knew it was the one!

The first part comes from how a pearl is formed. It starts with an irritant, or parasite that enters the oyster, mussel, or clam. The defense mechanism of the creature that it enters is to secrete a substance called “nacre” over and over to completely coat the irritant until, over time, it becomes the beautiful pearl that we all know as a gem.

The second part that makes this so personal to me, is that my middle name is Pearl. My grandparents used to call me Pearl Girl and my mom still does. As I contemplated the name of this blog, I realized that it fits what I had envisioned perfectly. My life journey has taken me through many good times, and also some difficult times. I started out as a sinner and over time, God has been molding me layer by layer, and making me into who I am and who He wants me to be, so that some day, as long as I continue to abide in Him, I will emerge a beautiful Pearl.

As I walk through this journey that we call life, I would like to share through this blog my insights, my failures, and my inspirations. I desire, through my honesty and transparency, for everyone that reads this to be able to see that they are not alone when they are going through something, whether good or bad, and that there are more people out there that understand what you are going through than what you think. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.